Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry