@Philosopherbing

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

@Philosopherbing

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

@Philosopherbing

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle