My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
HERE’S MARKY
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
And then there were 4
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget