My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”