
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine
“I’m going to live with you guys forever”
My five year old threatened
If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door
My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever
My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went
No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower
The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans
It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow