@Phook75

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine

@Phook75

“I’m going to live with you guys forever”

My five year old threatened

@Phook75

If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door

@Phook75

My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever

@Phook75

My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@Phook75

The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@Phook75

It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me

@Phook75

Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at

@Phook75

I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow