3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE