Shark week, but for squirrels.
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.