On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
You Might Also Like
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor