absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
those birds must be on payroll
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…