Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.


[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”


Accidentally parked in a ‘reserved for witches’ spot. When I got back there was a note on my windshield that said “you will be toad.”


Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral


[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you


Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell


[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?


Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?


Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*


Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity


ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked