@PickleRudd

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

@PickleRudd

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

@PickleRudd

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

@PickleRudd

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

@PickleRudd

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

@PickleRudd

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

@PickleRudd

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

@PickleRudd

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@PickleRudd

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!