Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.