Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s making you fat and killing your dog.
Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch
St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child
[slowly backing away] why do you know what shooting fish in a barrel is like?
Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.
A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!
The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.
Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.