This made me chuckle cuz mood
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*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
yes… yes…
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Yup!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
lmao
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her