One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
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Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.