Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
im all 3
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.