I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My birthstone is kidney
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”