Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Who chose this font
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
*me flirting
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having