[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.