If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
You Might Also Like
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.