[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?