me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.