My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
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Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Very good! 👍😂
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.