no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake