To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.