@Playing_Dad: [At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I've been hungry before.
@Playing_Dad: A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that's a stupid name
@Playing_Dad: Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking "do you want a shake with that?" at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
@Playing_Dad: Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don't do it
Me: he's all right
@Playing_Dad: Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
@Playing_Dad: 6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
"DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER'S DAY! WE'RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
@Playing_Dad: [Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
@Playing_Dad: Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it's cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you're worried it's cancer let's go get it checked out.
Me: No, I'm good.
@Playing_Dad: [At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You're fired.