Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
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Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
waiting for halloween be like:
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Thinking about Jeff
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.