Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No