[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great


netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not


me: this is my worst nightmare


jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home


cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good


me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close


[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap