[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
host: let’s just reschedule
so jealous of cats wish i could angrily lick my stomach
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
cat: [eyes narrow] good
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
sam: i’m telling you
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap