[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad


If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?


Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not


Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve


Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*


Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having


[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?






John: he’s right behind me isn’t he