Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*
Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*
Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Me: definitely not eating that
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags