[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?


[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you


[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9


Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting


[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free


TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again


[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside


WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it


ME: fine there I looked now move the box


ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐


SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?


HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done