5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Me: —pre born