ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
ME: f-in A7510
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants