“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons