me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close


[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap


. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that


no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.


optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left


what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night


doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta


billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer


me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw