me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw