[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
o: I want a tail
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family