[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?


Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous


NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat


IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*


Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book


o: I want a tail


?: longer

GENIE: sure


GENIE: dude

@: perfect


Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh


911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?


5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend