i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy