This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
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my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
every. time.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.