Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
This is why I hate group projects
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!