today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money