you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
i can’t wait that long
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email