Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears