Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”