Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.