Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
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Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
That lamp looks PISSED.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!