This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
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Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty