U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
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*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG