just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me, reading some of your tweets
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Facebook Twitter
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Inside you there are two wolves
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination