Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
You Might Also Like
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“I’m helping” 😅
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours