*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
kids play hide and seek like
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.