(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*table floats up to ceiling*
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Smoking weed while gardening and listening to music, so I’ve got red eyes, a green thumb, and a bluetooth
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Me: And him?
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.