Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I am in:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.