(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*


*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?


Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?



Smoking weed while gardening and listening to music, so I’ve got red eyes, a green thumb, and a bluetooth


Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*


*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius


Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails


Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension


Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.