ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me: