THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.