[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
🌱🌱🌱
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Me recordaron éste meme
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.