Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
You Might Also Like
WWE is French for “yes”
This will never not be funny 😭
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?